A Letter To My Sister,

A letter to my sister,

Thank you. A month ago, I went public about my mental illness and you have been nothing but proud of me. However, I have been thinking about how hard this must be for you. How hard it has to be seeing your older sister fall apart and struggle. This week I have been thinking about the night where you stayed with me all night in my bed. I began to sob because of my intrusive thoughts and my crippling anxiety. Instead of leaving, you rubbed my head and told me I would be okay. I remember feeling so terrible because I am the one who is supposed to take care of you not the other way around. I have been journaling non-stop and wondering what my next post would entail but this one seems to be the right one. My recovery and healing process has been extremely difficult. The only days I can bring myself to write something of substance are during my low days. I promise one day will come where I will be taking care of you again and not the other way around.

Before you made it to the hospital that day, the nurse told me “Be happy that your sister is coming to see you” and I remember saying, “I don’t want her to see me like this”. I will forever have what the nurse told me recorded in my head, “She needs to see you like this so she knows that if she ever feels bad that she can seek help just like you did”. Still to this day those words fly around my head because one thing I am sure of is that I would do anything in this world to help you if you were ever in the situation I was in. You are the strongest 15-year-old I know and my favorite. I am sorry you have had to see me at my very worst, I am sorry you had to calm me down that night in my bed. I am sorry, I made you miss your recital that day I went to the hospital and I am sorry that I snap at you a lot on my bad days. But I am eternally grateful for you. I remember when I asked and begged for a little sister then I lucked out and got the best one. You have been one of my biggest supporters throughout this process. I have been having a very challenging week with my mental health but I have been pushing through. I don’t know when I will be the Nina before December or if I will ever be that Nina before December ever again. My therapist told me that when situations like that happen, it puts things into perspective and right now I am not sure what the perspective is? I am not sure I am meant to be the Nina prior to December ever again because that Nina did not love herself the way she thought she did and did not take care of herself the way she was supposed to. I don’t know if she still knows how to do those things but she sure is aware of things that she was not before. One of those things is, that I have the greatest sister on this Earth.

Aliyah, you are my keeper.