As we all know, I am currently in my recovery process after what happened to me last December. I have made big strides and was improving so much since I started medication and therapy. I have been very open with my mental illness because it helps me and I hope it helps someone else too. Progress is NOT linear and recovery has been so slow but now it seems even slower with the current pandemic.
The pandemic has completely put our lives upside down. In ways that we have only seen in films and read in books. It has caused panic, stress and anxiety for people who probably have never felt this type of emotions prior to this. It is important to emphasize that your feelings are absolutely valid and are normal to such an abnormal situation. However, a person like myself that has mental illness and is during their recovery phase. this pandemic has us OVERLY stressed, tense, anxious and sad. I have been trying to pinpoint my feelings because anxiety eases when you allow your emotions to be there instead of avoiding them. I also think that for me personally, I have been going through stages of denial and anxiety about this current situation. Let’s talk about it.
First of all, when I am under stressful situations my intrusive thoughts become more frequent. Prior to this last week, my intrusive thoughts were at a bare minimum but now with everything going on in the world, they have made their presence known. Although I am aware that its frequency is caused by the series of events we all have been living, it causes me distress and I feel terrible because I was doing so well during my recovery. SO WELL. Another thing that I have been going through is TENSION. My muscles are TENSE and by the end of the day my body hurts. Not only that but I end my days completely and utterly exhausted yet it takes me hours to be able to go to bed. I also get into these weird moods where I am irritated by the smallest thing which makes it hard to socialize because I am so irritated by everything around me.
Second of all, I think I have been going through stages of denial. At first, I was not worried about anything at all. Then, I couldn’t believe everything was happening and all at once. The idea of isolation terrifies me because as a person with anxiety, who is constantly up and about doing something outside of the house, isolation really brings me to my most vulnerable point. Now with my university going online for the remainder of the semester, I have been coming to terms with the fact that things are real and this is not a really bad 80s movie anymore. Therefore, what did I do? I phoned my therapist. I phoned her in absolute and utter panic. She wrote back to me to say that she was also experiencing mood swings due to stress and for me to remember this is about prevention. Two small things that help me keep afloat. My anxiety makes me think the absolute worst like “We are all going to die”, “This will never end”, “We will live like this forever”, “Isolation will get the best of us” and more. Imagine those thoughts on repeat from the moment you wake up until you go back to sleep. IT IS EXHAUSTING. However, I am trying my hardest to keep calm and take care of myself. I think it’s important to remember that none of us are 100% ourselves right now and that’s okay. I also think that if you need to cry, cry. Times are tough and despite what my anxiety says to me, I know things will be okay and this will not be a forever thing. I am not sure what stage of anxiety of denial I am on but I am trying to plow through it for sure. I really want to say that if you suffer from mental illness please check in on yourself. Practice self-care and if you have access to therapy, schedule a Skype of phone call with your therapist. If you know anyone who struggles with mental illness, call them, write them, Skype them to check in on them because these moments are difficult for all of us but especially those who are suffering from mental illness.
Right now I feel like my recovery process has slowed down almost to a complete halt and I am angry and frustrated. However, all I know is that I am in a somewhat better place than I was because I don’t think I could have handled this where I was last December. Some days are better than others but I am going to keep pushing.
If you need to talk to someone TEXT ‘SHARE’ to 741741 (CRISIS TEXT LINE) I have texted them multiple times. They have helped me a lot.
Suicide Prevention Hotline
1-800-273-8255
Chronicles of a Latina 